VERNAL, UT - Local Bishop Alex Thomas is bearing his testimony in a powerful way this week. He revealed to his Ward on Thursday a secret plan to stock Heaven with "bushel upon bushel of freeze-dried fruits. I've been feeling a burning in my bosom for a long time, but only now am I willing to reveal His plan to everyone here.
Thomas, donned in his "Nice Guys finish as gods" T-shirt, spoke candidly to reporters as he walked them through his storehouses filled with vacuum-sealed foodstuffs of all varieties. "I know this is true: I'm laying up treasures in Heaven by filling my barns on earth. I'm a one-male Relief Society, and it feels good to do something that will echo throughout the various eternities that await some of us."
When asked just how much food he has dried and stored, Thomas grew skeptical. "It's hard to say. I could feed my spirit family for millennia in earthly time with what I have here, but you just never know how many of them will apostatize before the resurrection." Then with a sly grin, he added, "Ballpark? a quarter of an eternity."
Stake President John Williams praised Thomas' efforts and testimony. "Alex has been supplying his Ward with an example of what everyone needs in a companion. He's helping us become the most well-done stake in north-eastern Utah."